Preparing for the holidays...

Wow, Thanksgiving is tomorrow. This will be the 1st year without both Jason & William. I have decided to just spend the day with Kayla instead of being around a bunch of family. Remembering how my birthday was I think it's probably a good idea. Who knows how many times I will break down tomorrow. Hopefully keeping busy will help a little. We will be going to see "A Christmas Carol" tomorrow. And then afterwards we'll start decorating for Christmas. The tree is already up, but I hope to actually put ornaments on it this year. Last year the tree was up all month without any ornaments - never really got in the mood to put them on there. I was able to find a matching stocking for William - I was so excited. Jason & I bought some 3 years ago that have chalkboards on them for our names and I didn't think they made them anymore or at least have them at Target still, but they did.

I really love Christmas time - especially getting to buy gifts for everyone I love. But this year is probably gonna be the hardest. I thought last year was pretty hard...1st year without Jason and found out right before that William had anencephaly. This year I won't have either here with me...I won't get to go shopping for the fun little toys for William to play with or see his face when he sees what Santa brought him. Or video tape the whole morning of him tearing open ALL of the gifts that Mommy & Daddy bought him which would probably be way too many. Or have his big sister, Kayla, help him open the gifts and have her buy her little brother Christmas gifts for the first time. Oh how much fun she would have. :(

I need to get through the rest of this year...can I do it? I wonder every day how I will do it. And hope that 2010 will be a better year. I can't believe I have survived the last 15 months - sometimes I don't even know how I have.

Birthdays...

Today is William's 8 month birthday. Wow! Really?!?! 8 months?!?! Time goes by so fast these days! I miss him so much EVERY DAY!

My 28th birthday was on Monday. I think I cried 5 times that day - just wasn't a great bday for me. This is the 1st year without both of my boys and my wonderful Memaw. My friends and family tried so hard to make it a great bday for me, but I just couldn't allow it to be. But my 3 wonderful angels knew it was a hard day for me and they gave me a pretty amazing present...

I was driving home to get Kayla so I could drop her off so I could go out to dinner with some friends. It was a pretty blah day with rain and all...and as I was getting closer to my turn for my house I noticed a rainbow (just a little one I thought) and it seemed to get brighter and brighter as I got closer. And when I turned onto my street I saw the biggest most beautiful rainbow I had ever seen before. I just started to cry and it started raining harder and I just know that was them crying because they were not here for me. And the rainbow started to fade away and was completely gone before I got to the stop sign on the other end. I thought about pulling out my phone to take a picture, but there is no way I could have gotten the whole thing - it was HUGE. I will remember that forever - that was a great bday gift from them.

I LOVE Y'ALL SO VERY MUCH...AND MISS Y'ALL EACH AND EVERY DAY!


This is pretty much what it looked like before I turned onto the street:

And this is like what I saw when I turned (without all the buildings):

Sorry so long...

I first want to apologize for not keeping my blog updated. It has been 2 months since I've posted anything. A lot has happened in 2 months.

I celebrated my 5 year wedding anniversary with my best friends and our kids. Jason's best friend, Jason (Sam's husband), and I went and saw Transformers 2 - a movie that Jason would have loved. Jason had to work later that night, but Sam, the kids & I went out to Tokyo Steakhouse for dinner - Jason & I have enjoyed spending many dates/anniversaries eating there (they are quite good).



My handsome husband as a little boy! So cute! :)



Me as a little girl...I have to say I was pretty darn cute too! :)



Us on our wedding day - July 10, 2004

August 14th was the 1 year anniversary of Jason's accident. I went and got a tattoo in memory of Jason that day.



After I got my tatoo, Sam, Jason & I went and put a cross out where Jason's accident was. We had a lot of trouble putting it up. The ground was very hard, so hammering it in was difficult. And the cross actually broke into a few pieces. :( but we were able to get it back together and it came out pretty nice.



Jason hammering away!



Dang thing broke! :(



But it turned out pretty awesome, I must say! :)

After we put the cross out we went to the park and had a nice rememberance party for Jason. We had a great turn out - family, co-workers and friends showed up. We all wrote notes and tied them to balloons and had a balloon release honoring Jason. It was so nice to have everyone get together. We stayed until it was dark to see if the boys would shine down bright on us and of course they both did. That was pretty awesome too!!

Upcoming anniversaries...

So I can already feel myself starting to break down. This week is NOT going to be a good week. Friday will be Jason & my 5 year wedding anniversary. Saturday will be 4 months since William was born. And then next Tuesday will be 11 months since Jason's accident - I really can't believe it's almost been a YEAR. I am feeling so alone right now. I miss my boys so much, I think about them all the time. We should all be together right now. Jason and I should be going on a hot air balloon ride on Friday like we planned 2 years ago. William should be learning to rollover like Kayla did at 4 months. Jason and I should be starting to make homemade baby food for our little handsome boy. Kayla should just be Kayla the sweetest little girl that would be so cute with her little brother. Y'all should see her with any other little baby boy that she sees. It's too cute and it just kills me EVERY time - I really don't know how I keep it together. Man, what am I going to do...

MckLinky

This blog was created for my baby boy William Jason. I found out that I was pregnant with him about 3 weeks after his daddy passed away in a motorcycle accident. Then in December 2008 I found out that he had anencephaly, a fatal birth defect. William was born into Heaven on March 11, 2009 - 7-1/2 weeks early. This blog is in memory of both my boys as I try to keep family and friends updated as to what's going on and how Kayla (William's big sister) & I are doing.

To William from Tia (aunt) Rachel...

My sister posted this on her myspace when William was born:

to my sweet baby nephew.

hey honey, its your aunt rachel. i just wanted you to know how much i wish i could have met you. i saw your ultrasound, you are so handsome, just like your daddy. you should know your mommy loves you more than anything, and so does the rest of the family. keep your daddy great company and watch over your mommy, big sister, and all the family. and when i get to heaven, i want the world's biggest hug from you mister. i love you baby william jason wendt. youre forever and always in my heart.

RIP 3.11.09♥

Big Sister Kayla...

So I finally bought Kayla a "big sister" shirt at Kohl's a couple of weeks ago (I believe it's the same one that Carleigh's big sister, Kyndra has). She wore it one day last week to daycare - she was super excited. Kayla fell asleep on the couch that night in the clothes she wore to daycare, so instead of waking her up to change into pjs, I just let her sleep in those clothes. Well the next day she did not want to take off the shirt. She said that she wanted to be a big sister. I told her that she was a big sister and that the shirt didn't change that. Today at lunch I went to Carter's store and found another big sister shirt - this one says "Big Sisters Rock". It is super cute - I would have taken a picture, but can't seem to find my camera right now. Kayla is excited to wear it tomorrow. I am sure she will not want to take it off tomorrow when we get ready for bed. Buying that shirt reminded me that I never posted videos of William & Kayla. She sang songs to him at the hospital. She's such a great BIG SISTER. Sorry to all that I am not better at posting things here. I will try to get better. :) UPDATE - so I guess I can't post videos just yet. The two videos I have are bigger than the max. that I can post. I will need to figure out how to get them up. Stay tuned...sorry.

My ring...

So the Friday before Mother's Day I was shocked when the girls at worked surprised me with a Mother's Day gift. I was sitting at my computer and working away. Then I was "arguing" with Chaka, my coworker, and she was asking me why I was yelling at her in front of ALL these people. What??? I thought it was just me, her & the guy that she was talking to. I turned around and pretty much all the ladies that I work with were standing in my cubicle staring at me. One was holding flowers with a card & one was holding a little black box. I was so shocked to see all of them. And immediately said "Y'all suck". Then I opened the card and right away started crying as I read "Love Jason, Kayla Joy & William Jason". And so I said "See I told y'all you sucked even before I opened the card." Man that was hard. I think all the girls were crying at the point and laughing at the same time. Next I opened the little box and saw that they had gotten me my Mother's ring that I had wanted to get with our names on it. It's so beautiful. See below:They told me that it was taking longer to come in than they expected, but that it was perfect timing for Mother's Day and in time for the March of Dimes walk.

I forgot to post about the BEAUTIFUL blanket they got me. The corner pictures are in color, the pictures of William are in black & white. It's a woven blanket - it's amazing how they are able to print pictures on a blanket like that.

11 weeks

Today is 11 weeks since William was born into Heaven. Still can't believe it. I miss my little man so much. And wishing Kayla had the chance to be the best big sister ever. Seeing her see other babies is so amazing and hurts me so much cuz I know how AWESOME she'd be with her baby William. I never thought I'd feel sad or mad that other women had babies and I didn't, I think it hurts more because Kayla won't get that experience even though she is a a big sister. She is so amazing and I love how she hasn't forgotten her Daddy or baby brother. Not that I think she ever will but she's so young so I wasn't sure if she'd remember. But she loves talking about them and has even seen them too. I am glad they come to visit her. I haven't had that experience yet...I don't think I am ready and my boys know that. One day I know it'll be amazing.

2 months...

Wow! 2 months already since William was born. Man I can't believe it. And Thursday it'll be 9 months since Jason's accident. It all seems like yesterday some days and others it seems like forever ago. With every passing day it seems like I'm losing a part of them - kinda like I'm forgetting them. I bought myself an Ipod for Mother's day last week and have been listening to songs at work. On Friday I was getting something off the copier and our wedding song started playing - Amazed by Lonestar. I really thought I was going to breakdown at work. I was able to keep it together somehow, but I just sat at my desk and closed my eyes and tried to remember back to our special day. I remember very vividly him wondering when our song was going to be over - he never was big on dancing. And I'm sure he didn't care too much for me singing to him. :) Oh well. And then the song we played during the slideshow at his service played - Photographs & Memories by Jason Reeves (pretty awesome song). I used to listen to that song almost every day. And again I sat at my desk with my eyes closed trying to remember what his voice sounded like. Wow I didn't realize how much I've been keeping my emotions to myself as I'm crying writing this. I guess I really need to keep up with this a little bit more - it may help me. People are always saying how strong I am, but I feel like the biggest baby right now. Kinda like that "I want my mommy" feeling with the biggest "booboo" that she can't just kiss and make it all feel better. WOW - this is really hard for me. So I guess that means it's time for me to go. I'm going to go see if my boys are in the sky tonight and tell them how much I love them and miss them. I will update more tomorrow about my wonderful Mother's Day gift from my co-workers and the March of Dimes of walk that was on Saturday. Love to all!

6 weeks...

So yesterday was 6 weeks since my precious baby William became an angel. I still can't believe it. I should still be pregnant - not due til May 2nd. Out of all the women's stories I've read I have not seen one that has not had to be induced. I guess I can say I'm one of a kind. :) But I did always say that my lil man would break my water. He sure knew how to take my breath away with those powerful kicks to the ribs. I loved every one of them though. I am still not quite sure what God has in store for me, why he's given me all of this heartache. I don't think my heart can take anymore. Not really sure how I've taken all that has happened to me so far. I just wish one day I'd wake up and my Jason & William would be back and we'd be a complete family of 4 and all that has happened had been a horrible nightmare. Oh man do I want that so bad. For my daughter to have HER daddy back and be the BEST big sister to her lil baby brother. I know everything happens for a reason, just wish I knew what the reason was.

Here's a little update: I started back to work on Monday, so far so good. Everyone I work with is so awesome and VERY supportive. My March of Dimes team - Willy J's Angels - has 27 walkers not include our children. We've already raised almost $1300 which is so awesome - I set the team goal at $2000, really being optimistic (which is so not me), but I think we actually will make it. We have 3 fundraisers to do and we are having a garage sale this Saturday and I'm donating all money from the sale to the MOD and we still have 16 days left til we walk. I would also like to share a picture of a BEAUTIFUL sight that I saw Tuesday morning when I was leaving the house. This picture is not the best quality, but it's a picture of the moon and 2 stars - I like to say it's my Jason & William saying "Good Morning" (the second star is kinda hard to see, it's on the right side almost to the edge of the pic).

It kinda took me by surprise because when we got home the night before there were tons of stars in the sky. Whenever we get home and it's dark Kayla always says Hi to her daddy & baby William - she gets so excited or "exciting" as she says. :) She's so funny. A few months ago she used to say "Look at all the Daddy stars, Mom" - every time she sees a star, no matter where it is or what it's on, she says "That's my Daddy". I love it, she's too amazing.

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep pictures

All,


Here are pictures & a slideshow from Sandy Allen, the photographer that was there for me taking pictures when William was born. She works with the organization, Now I Lay me Down to Sleep – she was awesome. These pictures are all great. I do warn you that you will see all the emotions that we had during the delivery – so crying may happen. You will not see anything graphic, but you will see my bare thigh (you may not even notice) and the top part of my breast – just wanted to warn you. There are pictures of William of course. Sandy touched up the discoloration on his face so he does look different from the pictures some of you have seen already. She is sending me a CD with all the pictures & slideshow on them, so I can make copies of any of them if any of you would like. I also have pictures on Snapfish from Samantha & Crystal’s cameras if you would like to see those please email me back so I can give you access to see them.


Pictures
http://www.allaboutmephotography.com/gallery - click on William, password is “Wendt”


Slideshow – has songs, so you may want to turn music off if you are at work.
http://www.sandyallenphotography.com/wendt.html


Love to all,

Sara

Sandwritten

UPDATE - Here is the new picture of WILLIAM JASON. I also found another site that does the same type of pictures, but they have the sunset in the background. I think I'm going to contact them too.

Thought I'd share the picture of William's name written in the sands of Hawaii. They will be redoing the picture as I requested William Jason and they only did William. I will post the new picture once I get it. I'm excited to print this out and frame it to put in the curio cabinet that I'm going to buy to match Jason's.

Update on March of Dimes...

I am happy to say we have a team of 11 right now. YAY! And thanks to everyone who has signed up or donated - it means a lot to me!! We are also off to a good start with donations - $85 so far and we still have 41 days until we walk. GREAT JOB!! Samantha's brother's boss has offered to do the team shirts for $5 each, which is awesome! Thanks Vernon & Tommy! And to let everyone know I'm still hanging in there. Trying to stay busy which really helps. And I have Kayla to keep me very busy! Not sure what I'd do without her. I love her. Thanks for everyone's support through everything. Love to you ALL!!

Willy J's Angels...

Here is the name of the team for March of Dimes. Go to www.marchforbabies.org and click on "Join a Team" and search for "Willy J's Angels". I plan on getting t-shirts done for the team members so let me know your shirt size if you want to be part of the team. THANKS!!

March of Dimes walk...

I just signed up for the March of Dimes walk in Austin on May 9th. I walked 2 years ago with Jason & Kayla with some people from work. I was waiting to sign up this year because it was right around my due date, so I wasn't sure if I'd be able to do it. Right now I'm just an individual walker, but I plan on creating a family team in memory of William. I would love to have a huge team, so if anyone would like to join please let me know. My personal email is punkifrog@austin.rr.com or you can just leave a comment on here. I will let everyone know the name of the team as soon as I figure that out. I believe you can just search for the team name on the March of Dimes website to join. Again thanks to everyone for everything.

Has it really been 2 weeks...

Wow!! Seriously the days have been flying. Today is the first day I have not been on the move since leaving the hospital. Whether it was getting the last things ready for William's memorial service or getting stuff ready for Kayla's 3rd bday party. Man! My mom just left yesterday, so it was just me & Kayla for the first time last night. I thought it would be hard, but we (really I) did ok. I really hate to say this but it really seems like a dream, kinda like I was never even pregnant. Everything happened so damn fast that it was like I wasn't even there. I know I have tons of pictures & movies, but I'm missing the one piece that I wish I had so badly to make it all seem real. I still can't believe all of this has happened to us. I know I will never understand so I guess I shouldn't dwell on that because it'll just make me crazy. I need to be strong for my little girl and myself. And I really don't know how I'm doing it, I just am. I can't imagine where I'd be right now if I didn't have lil Miss Kayla. At least I know my handsome William is with his loving Daddy, probably playing Xbox 360(since I never let him buy one), the Wii or showing him how to be the greatest artist EVER & having the best time together. Kayla & I will just take it one day at a time and remember them EVERYDAY for the rest of our lives. Thanks for everyone's thoughts, prayers & support.

Slideshow...

Here is the beautiful slideshow my friend, Crystal, created for William's memorial service. For those who don't know, William's face was very bruised due to the lack of oxygen throughout the pregnancy (something I just found out today) so his face is very dark compared to the rest of his body. But he is still my handsome little man. Hope you like the video.

Memorial Service for William...

Thursday, March 19th, 2009


1pm (small reception to follow)


Good Shepherd Lutheran Church


700 W. Whitestone Blvd.


Cedar Park, Texas 78613


Church Phone: 512-258-6227

William Jason is here...

He was born March 11th at 6:24pm. Weighed in at 2lbs 13ozs. And was 14.25 inches. Unfortunately he was still born. I hoped so bad that he would at least have a heart beat, but I had a feeling that wouldn't happen. He had many visitors tonight. We had Sandy with Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep here taking pictures. She was so awesome and took many many pictures. I am very very tired, it has been a very long day - I'm barely awake typing this, haven't slept at all today. I am going to try and sleep now and snuggle with my little handsome boy. Thanks for everyone's prayers & thoughts.

So...

I woke up this morning and thought I was leaking amniotic fluid. So I called the doctor and they told me to come to hospital to make sure that's what it was. Samantha met me up at the hospital. They checked me and sure enough I had a high leak. My doctor went ahead and broke my water the rest of the way. She checked me and I was at 1cm. I have received my epidural even though I was not having any painful contractions. So my little boy will be here today or tomorrow. Please keep us in your thoughts & prayers. I will keep you updated.

Doctor's appointment 022709...

I had another appointment today. I'm weighing in at a whole 113 lbs, it really seems like I should be more just because I look so huge. I don't think I'll gain 30 lbs with William like I did with Kayla, but we will see. William's heart rate was 147 which is awesome and my belly is measuring a little smaller than what it should be, so still no excess amniotic fluid. Samantha had a few questions for Dr. Irvin that she was able to answer and help us. She suggested I start taking an iron pill because I'm not anemic but I'm the low end of the normal range - may have something to do with me being tired all the time. I also told her that I felt like I was getting depressed again and she gave me some samples of an anti-depressant, so I hope those help because I feel like I'm not there 100% for Kayla (and NEED to be) and I know it'll just get worse with the upcoming months. I go back again in 2 weeks and hopefully will be having another sonogram then if not sooner. I will be 31 weeks tomorrow, only 9 more weeks to go. Man the days are just flying by... :(

Keepsakes that I will cherish forever...

Samantha contacted this organization called Now I Lay me Down to Sleep which provides a photography service free of charge to families that know their babies will not survive for very long after birth. Samantha talked to a lady named Sandy, who is with All About Me Photography and she said she was awesome. She will be at the hospital after William is born to take pictures. I'm glad we will have someone there to take pictures of our time with him. Sandy is also going to provide us with a maternity session to capture the moments while I'm still pregnant. I'm very excited that she will be taking pictures of me while I'm big and fat. HAHA. But I'm really excited to have Kayla participate in the session too. I just need to figure out when to do it. It seems like I'm running out of time so quickly. The month of March is already filling up quickly - I'm super busy. I have Kayla's dress, but need to figure out what I'm going to wear.


I also just bought a belly cast kit & an infant hand/foot casting kit from Casting Keepsakes. I can't wait to do the belly cast, I've always wanted to do one, but never did one with Kayla. I already have Kayla's hand & foot in a mold - so it'll be nice to have one for William too.

Something we might do for Kayla:

A ring that I want to get for myself (I used the April birthstone for William just incase he comes early - if not it'll be the darker green stone)

Onesies that I HAD to buy...

Check out these onesies that I got from Walmart this past weekend.

I think this last one is the BEST one.

Outfits for my lil' man

Aunt Sammy bought this for William. Says "Property of Mom forever"

I bought this for William. What looks like polka dots is actually little stars, in memory of Daddy.

Doctor's appointment - February 3rd

I had my appointment on Tuesday. Everything looked great - William's heartbeat was good, my fluid levels were normal. Had another sonogram - see the cute pictures below. William is measuring a couple of weeks behind where he should be, but Kayla always did too. I just have little babies. Kayla was only 6lbs 10oz, so I don't think William will be much more than 5lbs (if that), just from following other babies with the same condition. And we found out that we will not be able to donate his organs because they don't use organs from newborns because they are usually too small. Oh well, at least we asked. But it would have been nice for him to help out another little baby.

William's face - look at those chubby cheeks. :) I can't wait to squish 'em!!

William's hand. He's holding something, but I'm not quite sure what it is. I'm going to go with the umbilical cord. These 4D pics are very strange.

William's legs - knees at top and then down to his feet.

Poem

I thought of you and closed my eyes, And prayed to God today. Asked what makes a mother and I know I heard Him say, A mother has a baby. This we know is true. But God, can you be a mother, when your baby's not with you? Yes, you can. He replied with confidence in His voice. I give many women babies. When they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime, and others for a day. And some I send to fill your womb but there's no need to stay. I just don't understand this, God, I want my baby here. I took a breath and cleared my throat and then I cried a tear. I wish I could show you what your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile with other children and say," "I went to earth to learn a lesson of life and love and fear. My Mommy loved me, oh so much, I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me. I learned my lesson very quickly. My Mommy set me free." I miss my Mommy, oh so much, but I visither each day. And when she goes to sleep at night, on her pillow is where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear, 'Mommy, don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I am here.' " So you see, my dear sweet one, your baby is okay. Your baby is here in My Home and this is where he'll stay. He'll wait for you with Me until your lesson is through. And on that day that you come Home, he'll be waiting at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a Mother... It's the feeling in your heart. It's the love you had so much of, Right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother, Until their time is done. They'll be up here with Me one day, And know you're the best one.

Author Unknown

New quote (thanks Samantha)...

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"

My lil gymnast...

I must say that my William is a gymnast. He is a very active little boy. Which I love every minute of, even when he jabs me in the ribs. HAHA. Go ahead Willy J, Mama doesn't mind. I'm going to cherish these next few months for the rest of my life. He finally kicked his Godmommy the other day for the first time. She was so proud. And he gave his big sister, Kayla, a high five (that's what I called it). She was excited.

My decision...

Ever since I found out, my mind has been flip flopping on what to do. Do I do it now and continue with the grieving that I'm already going through with Jason? Or do I wait and enjoy as much as I can of the next few months with my son and start the grieving process completely over again? Every day my decision was different, never the same two days in a row. I was online reading blogs of women going through the same thing and wasn't quite sure how they were doing it. Monday, December 29th my decision was to keep going as long as my doctor would let me. Tuesday, December 30th I had a follow-up appointment with my doctor and my lovely best friend, Samantha, had 20 questions for my doctor. She answered each question for us and during the appointment I couldn't tell her what I was going to do. Afterwards, my other best friend, Crystal, who went with me to the appointment & I started talking in the parking lot about what the doctor told us. For the 1st time my decision was the same 2 days in a row, so that's when I knew I had to keep going. Especially since most likely William will be still born and he will not look like a full term baby if I do it now. I really don't think I can handle that right now. And if I continue to full term I may have a chance to say goodbye to my baby boy - something I did not get to do with my husband. I had another follow-up January 13th. I told my doctor my decision and she supports me completely, she's an awesome person. William's heart rate is 140 which is awesome. And my belly is measuring on track, which means no excess amniotic fluid which is a huge concern and would cause me to deliver earlier than term. My next appointment - February 3rd - we will get to do another sonogram (more pictures of my handsome boy), I get to do the awesome glucose test (I'm so excited).

Is it a BOY or a GIRL...

December 19th was the day that I finally found out who is living in my belly. Is it William Jason, the baby boy my husband & I always wanted. Or is it Marisa Ariel, the little girl that we just knew we'd have. Well there we were Samantha, Jason, Kayla & I in the room with the sonographer waiting to find out. And bam right on the screen was Lil Willy J showing us that he was definitely a boy!! Too funny! We couldn't believe it, well I couldn't anyways. I just started to cry, I was so happy. Poor Kayla wanted a little sister, she was too cute. During the sonogram the sonographer told us that there was something wrong with the pregnancy. He said "There is something significantly wrong with the baby's head". He didn't go into detail because he wanted my doctor to go over everything with me. So Samantha & I waited FOREVER for the doctor to see us. She told us that he has "anencephaly" which is a defect where the back of the brain & skull do not form and that he will not survive birth. There's a possibility of him being still born, maybe being alive for a few minutes up to 10 days. She setup an appointment for me on the 22nd to get a second opinion. Samantha could not get off work to go with me, so Jason went with me. I was already prepared to hear the same thing as before, so I was pretty much just numb the whole time he was talking to me. I left there just as confused as before. Still in disbelief of everything that I've had to go through already. But now I had to decide whether I would medically terminate the pregnancy now or continue on to full term. How can anyone make this decision???

Where our story begins...

My husband, Jason, and I met in 1999 right before I started college. We hung out for a few days while I was visiting my best friend, Samantha, and her fiance (at the time) Jason (yeah, yeah - it's confusing). I didn't really feel any chemistry then and I think my Jason was a little scared of me. HAHA! It wasn't until December 2000, when our best friends got married, that "something" clicked between us. Jason & I spent a lot of time together the week before the wedding and that is when he says he fell in love with me. It wasn't until a little while later that I find out that Samantha & Jason had a plan to get us together the whole time. Well what do you know, IT WORKED. We started dating January 1st, 2001. We moved in together February 2001. Everything went so quickly, but it just felt right so I wasn't scared. We got engaged in May 2001, but we didn't get married until July 10th, 2004. Just a little over a year later, July 18th, 2005 we found out that we were pregnant. We were so excited!!! I couldn't believe that I was going to have a little baby - I never thought I'd be a mother, but always wanted to be. My pregnancy was rather awesome, no major problems. And on March 20th, 2006 (only 5 days late) our beautiful baby girl, Kayla Joy, was born. She was amazing.

Fast forward to 2008...
I always wanted my kids no more than 3 years apart and kept telling Jason that. But he would just say we needed to wait. So after going back and forth however many times - I finally realized that we weren't ready and we need to wait and I was fine with that. In June 2008 we took a family vacation back to Virginia with Samantha, Jason and their two kids, Charles & Raelene. 24 hour van ride to Virginia with all of us was a lot better than most of us thought, I'm sure! :) We had an awesome time and it was well worth the over 48 hours we spent in the van. And hey we are still friends - that was a true test of friendship. HAHA! While we were there, Jason & I were going to sleep and he started talking about having another baby. What? Where did that come from? I was now the one saying we needed to wait and he wanted to have another one. We had convinced the other that what we were saying was the right thing. :) Too funny!! So we got back from Virginia and started discussing when would be a good time to start trying again. I wanted to have the baby by the time my sister graduated HS in June 2009, so I wouldn't be miserable driving/flying to see her. Jason had a good point too, because in August 2009 he would turn 30 & a few days later his mother would turn 50. So he wanted me to not have to worry about taking care of the baby while I was trying to plan & have the parties for them.

But then...
Tragedy struck our family! August 14th, 2008 Jason was driving home from work on his motorcycle & was in an accident - he passed away. I could not believe this was happening to us. I didn't know what to do. And our poor daughter, what was I going to tell her? Her Daddy was her world - they loved each other so much. She now knows that her Daddy is in Heaven with the other Angels and he is a star in the sky at night. It's pretty amazing how she has been since she was only 2-1/2 when it happened. I really don't know what I'd do without her, she really keeps me going.

23 days after the accident...
I found out that I was pregnant. I had a strange feeling the night of the accident and the next day that I was pregnant. I just knew it. Well I went to visit my brother & sister-in-law in Cleburne for the weekend and I just couldn't wait to take a test when I got back home. So I took one and sure enough it was clear as day that I was pregnant. So I took another one, and it came up blank (one of those digital ones). After we went to lunch we stopped by to get some more and I took another one and yup, definitely pregnant. "Are you freakin' kidding me?" I think were my exact words. Don't get me wrong I was very happy to be pregnant, but to not have my husband here with me was fucked up. Sorry, but that's what I felt and still feel!!! Yet again I could not understand who was thinking I could handle all of this. I mean seriously how much more could I go through? Well...it doesn't get any better!