New quote (thanks Samantha)...

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have"

My lil gymnast...

I must say that my William is a gymnast. He is a very active little boy. Which I love every minute of, even when he jabs me in the ribs. HAHA. Go ahead Willy J, Mama doesn't mind. I'm going to cherish these next few months for the rest of my life. He finally kicked his Godmommy the other day for the first time. She was so proud. And he gave his big sister, Kayla, a high five (that's what I called it). She was excited.

My decision...

Ever since I found out, my mind has been flip flopping on what to do. Do I do it now and continue with the grieving that I'm already going through with Jason? Or do I wait and enjoy as much as I can of the next few months with my son and start the grieving process completely over again? Every day my decision was different, never the same two days in a row. I was online reading blogs of women going through the same thing and wasn't quite sure how they were doing it. Monday, December 29th my decision was to keep going as long as my doctor would let me. Tuesday, December 30th I had a follow-up appointment with my doctor and my lovely best friend, Samantha, had 20 questions for my doctor. She answered each question for us and during the appointment I couldn't tell her what I was going to do. Afterwards, my other best friend, Crystal, who went with me to the appointment & I started talking in the parking lot about what the doctor told us. For the 1st time my decision was the same 2 days in a row, so that's when I knew I had to keep going. Especially since most likely William will be still born and he will not look like a full term baby if I do it now. I really don't think I can handle that right now. And if I continue to full term I may have a chance to say goodbye to my baby boy - something I did not get to do with my husband. I had another follow-up January 13th. I told my doctor my decision and she supports me completely, she's an awesome person. William's heart rate is 140 which is awesome. And my belly is measuring on track, which means no excess amniotic fluid which is a huge concern and would cause me to deliver earlier than term. My next appointment - February 3rd - we will get to do another sonogram (more pictures of my handsome boy), I get to do the awesome glucose test (I'm so excited).

Is it a BOY or a GIRL...

December 19th was the day that I finally found out who is living in my belly. Is it William Jason, the baby boy my husband & I always wanted. Or is it Marisa Ariel, the little girl that we just knew we'd have. Well there we were Samantha, Jason, Kayla & I in the room with the sonographer waiting to find out. And bam right on the screen was Lil Willy J showing us that he was definitely a boy!! Too funny! We couldn't believe it, well I couldn't anyways. I just started to cry, I was so happy. Poor Kayla wanted a little sister, she was too cute. During the sonogram the sonographer told us that there was something wrong with the pregnancy. He said "There is something significantly wrong with the baby's head". He didn't go into detail because he wanted my doctor to go over everything with me. So Samantha & I waited FOREVER for the doctor to see us. She told us that he has "anencephaly" which is a defect where the back of the brain & skull do not form and that he will not survive birth. There's a possibility of him being still born, maybe being alive for a few minutes up to 10 days. She setup an appointment for me on the 22nd to get a second opinion. Samantha could not get off work to go with me, so Jason went with me. I was already prepared to hear the same thing as before, so I was pretty much just numb the whole time he was talking to me. I left there just as confused as before. Still in disbelief of everything that I've had to go through already. But now I had to decide whether I would medically terminate the pregnancy now or continue on to full term. How can anyone make this decision???

Where our story begins...

My husband, Jason, and I met in 1999 right before I started college. We hung out for a few days while I was visiting my best friend, Samantha, and her fiance (at the time) Jason (yeah, yeah - it's confusing). I didn't really feel any chemistry then and I think my Jason was a little scared of me. HAHA! It wasn't until December 2000, when our best friends got married, that "something" clicked between us. Jason & I spent a lot of time together the week before the wedding and that is when he says he fell in love with me. It wasn't until a little while later that I find out that Samantha & Jason had a plan to get us together the whole time. Well what do you know, IT WORKED. We started dating January 1st, 2001. We moved in together February 2001. Everything went so quickly, but it just felt right so I wasn't scared. We got engaged in May 2001, but we didn't get married until July 10th, 2004. Just a little over a year later, July 18th, 2005 we found out that we were pregnant. We were so excited!!! I couldn't believe that I was going to have a little baby - I never thought I'd be a mother, but always wanted to be. My pregnancy was rather awesome, no major problems. And on March 20th, 2006 (only 5 days late) our beautiful baby girl, Kayla Joy, was born. She was amazing.

Fast forward to 2008...
I always wanted my kids no more than 3 years apart and kept telling Jason that. But he would just say we needed to wait. So after going back and forth however many times - I finally realized that we weren't ready and we need to wait and I was fine with that. In June 2008 we took a family vacation back to Virginia with Samantha, Jason and their two kids, Charles & Raelene. 24 hour van ride to Virginia with all of us was a lot better than most of us thought, I'm sure! :) We had an awesome time and it was well worth the over 48 hours we spent in the van. And hey we are still friends - that was a true test of friendship. HAHA! While we were there, Jason & I were going to sleep and he started talking about having another baby. What? Where did that come from? I was now the one saying we needed to wait and he wanted to have another one. We had convinced the other that what we were saying was the right thing. :) Too funny!! So we got back from Virginia and started discussing when would be a good time to start trying again. I wanted to have the baby by the time my sister graduated HS in June 2009, so I wouldn't be miserable driving/flying to see her. Jason had a good point too, because in August 2009 he would turn 30 & a few days later his mother would turn 50. So he wanted me to not have to worry about taking care of the baby while I was trying to plan & have the parties for them.

But then...
Tragedy struck our family! August 14th, 2008 Jason was driving home from work on his motorcycle & was in an accident - he passed away. I could not believe this was happening to us. I didn't know what to do. And our poor daughter, what was I going to tell her? Her Daddy was her world - they loved each other so much. She now knows that her Daddy is in Heaven with the other Angels and he is a star in the sky at night. It's pretty amazing how she has been since she was only 2-1/2 when it happened. I really don't know what I'd do without her, she really keeps me going.

23 days after the accident...
I found out that I was pregnant. I had a strange feeling the night of the accident and the next day that I was pregnant. I just knew it. Well I went to visit my brother & sister-in-law in Cleburne for the weekend and I just couldn't wait to take a test when I got back home. So I took one and sure enough it was clear as day that I was pregnant. So I took another one, and it came up blank (one of those digital ones). After we went to lunch we stopped by to get some more and I took another one and yup, definitely pregnant. "Are you freakin' kidding me?" I think were my exact words. Don't get me wrong I was very happy to be pregnant, but to not have my husband here with me was fucked up. Sorry, but that's what I felt and still feel!!! Yet again I could not understand who was thinking I could handle all of this. I mean seriously how much more could I go through? Well...it doesn't get any better!