Happy 1st Birthday William

My baby boy turned 1 last Thursday. I can't believe it's been a year since we met him and had to say goodbye.



I usually take off on Kayla's bday if it falls on a work day...so I knew I'd take off for William's too. Plus I wasn't sure how I'd be that day emotionally. I was surprisingly better than I expected. A guy I work with actually got it right, the days leading up to it were more stressful than the actual day (he also lost his son a while back). I kept Kayla from daycare so we could spend the day together. When I told her it was William's bday she got so excited and asked "Is he coming down?". Oh poor Kayla how I wish he'd could come down too. :( We didn't really do much that day - went grocery shopping, had lunch with a friend and then to Hobby Lobby to get some more stuff for her bday party this weekend. After that we came home and took a nap, which was awesome. :) Got up and went over to Sam's house. I made us dinner and then we released a birthday balloon.



I bought some cupcakes with soccer balls on them - always thought Mr. William was gonna be a soccer player with all that kicking he did. Man his little legs were strong!!! :) I LOVED every kick. I let Kayla blow out the candle. She was so excited.





We then all sat around the computer and went through all the pictures we have from when he was born. And played all the videos we have. Kayla was so cute watching the video of her singing to William. She just giggled which made us laugh. She's such a goofy girl.

Sam bought me a nice picture frame (tried to find a pic online, but couldn't find one). It says:

A loving message from your child in Heaven

Your love made a home,
and you welcome me.
Our hearts touched,
and yours became
forever one with mine.
But there was a reason
why I couldn't stay,
tenderly nestled
in your loving arms.
I'm with the angels now,
held safely in their care...
God's love made a home,
and He welcomed me there.

Overall the day was good - much better than expected. I thought of him often, but didn't really break down like I thought I would. I did cry when Sam's family sent me some nice texts saying they were thinking of me and William. It was really nice. It was nice to smile when we were looking at the pics instead of sad because he wasn't here anymore. I know he's safe up there in Heaven with his Daddy. I wish they were both here, but I know that they are together up there watching over us every day. I know we will all be together again one day.

NILMDTS photographer

So my little man is famous. Sandy Allen, William's photographer, updated her website and put a picture of William on her page about NILMDTS. It's so beautiful and the saying is perfect for us. Check out her website and my William's picture. :)

Snow written...

My family lives in Virginia where they have gotten hit with some snow here lately. I don't think the entire time I lived in VA did I see this much snow. :) I am glad I'm in Texas right now because I really hate the cold and the snow!

I decided to ask my sister to write William's name in the snow. She posted pics on my facebook and she also wrote Jason's name and my Memaw's name in the snow. I think they turned out great. THANKS NIKKI!







We are coming up on William's 11 month birthday...to me that's so insane. The last couple of days I have been replaying some things in my head. Between Jason's accident and William's birth my head has been spinning. I went through the intersection of Jason's accident today and then the u-turn where the van I was in was when they told me he had passed. I just flashed back to sitting in that van hearing the news. I did get to see his cross still standing strong which is great because I figured we'd have to go repair it with all the issues we had putting it up.

I am already planning William's bday party. I am going to invite family & friends over to help put his scrapbook together. I've had his scrapbook for a while, but just have never gotten around to starting it. I still need to print all the pictures I have. The other day I bought a photo album from Kohl's that is blue and says "Angel" with stars on it. I thought it was perfect. I am looking forward to starting his scrapbook, it's going to be so beautiful. Afterwards we will definitely have a balloon release.

Hope to post more soon...if not, definitely for his birthday.

Preparing for the holidays...

Wow, Thanksgiving is tomorrow. This will be the 1st year without both Jason & William. I have decided to just spend the day with Kayla instead of being around a bunch of family. Remembering how my birthday was I think it's probably a good idea. Who knows how many times I will break down tomorrow. Hopefully keeping busy will help a little. We will be going to see "A Christmas Carol" tomorrow. And then afterwards we'll start decorating for Christmas. The tree is already up, but I hope to actually put ornaments on it this year. Last year the tree was up all month without any ornaments - never really got in the mood to put them on there. I was able to find a matching stocking for William - I was so excited. Jason & I bought some 3 years ago that have chalkboards on them for our names and I didn't think they made them anymore or at least have them at Target still, but they did.

I really love Christmas time - especially getting to buy gifts for everyone I love. But this year is probably gonna be the hardest. I thought last year was pretty hard...1st year without Jason and found out right before that William had anencephaly. This year I won't have either here with me...I won't get to go shopping for the fun little toys for William to play with or see his face when he sees what Santa brought him. Or video tape the whole morning of him tearing open ALL of the gifts that Mommy & Daddy bought him which would probably be way too many. Or have his big sister, Kayla, help him open the gifts and have her buy her little brother Christmas gifts for the first time. Oh how much fun she would have. :(

I need to get through the rest of this year...can I do it? I wonder every day how I will do it. And hope that 2010 will be a better year. I can't believe I have survived the last 15 months - sometimes I don't even know how I have.

Birthdays...

Today is William's 8 month birthday. Wow! Really?!?! 8 months?!?! Time goes by so fast these days! I miss him so much EVERY DAY!

My 28th birthday was on Monday. I think I cried 5 times that day - just wasn't a great bday for me. This is the 1st year without both of my boys and my wonderful Memaw. My friends and family tried so hard to make it a great bday for me, but I just couldn't allow it to be. But my 3 wonderful angels knew it was a hard day for me and they gave me a pretty amazing present...

I was driving home to get Kayla so I could drop her off so I could go out to dinner with some friends. It was a pretty blah day with rain and all...and as I was getting closer to my turn for my house I noticed a rainbow (just a little one I thought) and it seemed to get brighter and brighter as I got closer. And when I turned onto my street I saw the biggest most beautiful rainbow I had ever seen before. I just started to cry and it started raining harder and I just know that was them crying because they were not here for me. And the rainbow started to fade away and was completely gone before I got to the stop sign on the other end. I thought about pulling out my phone to take a picture, but there is no way I could have gotten the whole thing - it was HUGE. I will remember that forever - that was a great bday gift from them.

I LOVE Y'ALL SO VERY MUCH...AND MISS Y'ALL EACH AND EVERY DAY!


This is pretty much what it looked like before I turned onto the street:

And this is like what I saw when I turned (without all the buildings):

Sorry so long...

I first want to apologize for not keeping my blog updated. It has been 2 months since I've posted anything. A lot has happened in 2 months.

I celebrated my 5 year wedding anniversary with my best friends and our kids. Jason's best friend, Jason (Sam's husband), and I went and saw Transformers 2 - a movie that Jason would have loved. Jason had to work later that night, but Sam, the kids & I went out to Tokyo Steakhouse for dinner - Jason & I have enjoyed spending many dates/anniversaries eating there (they are quite good).



My handsome husband as a little boy! So cute! :)



Me as a little girl...I have to say I was pretty darn cute too! :)



Us on our wedding day - July 10, 2004

August 14th was the 1 year anniversary of Jason's accident. I went and got a tattoo in memory of Jason that day.



After I got my tatoo, Sam, Jason & I went and put a cross out where Jason's accident was. We had a lot of trouble putting it up. The ground was very hard, so hammering it in was difficult. And the cross actually broke into a few pieces. :( but we were able to get it back together and it came out pretty nice.



Jason hammering away!



Dang thing broke! :(



But it turned out pretty awesome, I must say! :)

After we put the cross out we went to the park and had a nice rememberance party for Jason. We had a great turn out - family, co-workers and friends showed up. We all wrote notes and tied them to balloons and had a balloon release honoring Jason. It was so nice to have everyone get together. We stayed until it was dark to see if the boys would shine down bright on us and of course they both did. That was pretty awesome too!!

Upcoming anniversaries...

So I can already feel myself starting to break down. This week is NOT going to be a good week. Friday will be Jason & my 5 year wedding anniversary. Saturday will be 4 months since William was born. And then next Tuesday will be 11 months since Jason's accident - I really can't believe it's almost been a YEAR. I am feeling so alone right now. I miss my boys so much, I think about them all the time. We should all be together right now. Jason and I should be going on a hot air balloon ride on Friday like we planned 2 years ago. William should be learning to rollover like Kayla did at 4 months. Jason and I should be starting to make homemade baby food for our little handsome boy. Kayla should just be Kayla the sweetest little girl that would be so cute with her little brother. Y'all should see her with any other little baby boy that she sees. It's too cute and it just kills me EVERY time - I really don't know how I keep it together. Man, what am I going to do...