Upcoming anniversaries...

So I can already feel myself starting to break down. This week is NOT going to be a good week. Friday will be Jason & my 5 year wedding anniversary. Saturday will be 4 months since William was born. And then next Tuesday will be 11 months since Jason's accident - I really can't believe it's almost been a YEAR. I am feeling so alone right now. I miss my boys so much, I think about them all the time. We should all be together right now. Jason and I should be going on a hot air balloon ride on Friday like we planned 2 years ago. William should be learning to rollover like Kayla did at 4 months. Jason and I should be starting to make homemade baby food for our little handsome boy. Kayla should just be Kayla the sweetest little girl that would be so cute with her little brother. Y'all should see her with any other little baby boy that she sees. It's too cute and it just kills me EVERY time - I really don't know how I keep it together. Man, what am I going to do...

MckLinky

This blog was created for my baby boy William Jason. I found out that I was pregnant with him about 3 weeks after his daddy passed away in a motorcycle accident. Then in December 2008 I found out that he had anencephaly, a fatal birth defect. William was born into Heaven on March 11, 2009 - 7-1/2 weeks early. This blog is in memory of both my boys as I try to keep family and friends updated as to what's going on and how Kayla (William's big sister) & I are doing.

To William from Tia (aunt) Rachel...

My sister posted this on her myspace when William was born:

to my sweet baby nephew.

hey honey, its your aunt rachel. i just wanted you to know how much i wish i could have met you. i saw your ultrasound, you are so handsome, just like your daddy. you should know your mommy loves you more than anything, and so does the rest of the family. keep your daddy great company and watch over your mommy, big sister, and all the family. and when i get to heaven, i want the world's biggest hug from you mister. i love you baby william jason wendt. youre forever and always in my heart.

RIP 3.11.09♥

Big Sister Kayla...

So I finally bought Kayla a "big sister" shirt at Kohl's a couple of weeks ago (I believe it's the same one that Carleigh's big sister, Kyndra has). She wore it one day last week to daycare - she was super excited. Kayla fell asleep on the couch that night in the clothes she wore to daycare, so instead of waking her up to change into pjs, I just let her sleep in those clothes. Well the next day she did not want to take off the shirt. She said that she wanted to be a big sister. I told her that she was a big sister and that the shirt didn't change that. Today at lunch I went to Carter's store and found another big sister shirt - this one says "Big Sisters Rock". It is super cute - I would have taken a picture, but can't seem to find my camera right now. Kayla is excited to wear it tomorrow. I am sure she will not want to take it off tomorrow when we get ready for bed. Buying that shirt reminded me that I never posted videos of William & Kayla. She sang songs to him at the hospital. She's such a great BIG SISTER. Sorry to all that I am not better at posting things here. I will try to get better. :) UPDATE - so I guess I can't post videos just yet. The two videos I have are bigger than the max. that I can post. I will need to figure out how to get them up. Stay tuned...sorry.

My ring...

So the Friday before Mother's Day I was shocked when the girls at worked surprised me with a Mother's Day gift. I was sitting at my computer and working away. Then I was "arguing" with Chaka, my coworker, and she was asking me why I was yelling at her in front of ALL these people. What??? I thought it was just me, her & the guy that she was talking to. I turned around and pretty much all the ladies that I work with were standing in my cubicle staring at me. One was holding flowers with a card & one was holding a little black box. I was so shocked to see all of them. And immediately said "Y'all suck". Then I opened the card and right away started crying as I read "Love Jason, Kayla Joy & William Jason". And so I said "See I told y'all you sucked even before I opened the card." Man that was hard. I think all the girls were crying at the point and laughing at the same time. Next I opened the little box and saw that they had gotten me my Mother's ring that I had wanted to get with our names on it. It's so beautiful. See below:They told me that it was taking longer to come in than they expected, but that it was perfect timing for Mother's Day and in time for the March of Dimes walk.

I forgot to post about the BEAUTIFUL blanket they got me. The corner pictures are in color, the pictures of William are in black & white. It's a woven blanket - it's amazing how they are able to print pictures on a blanket like that.

11 weeks

Today is 11 weeks since William was born into Heaven. Still can't believe it. I miss my little man so much. And wishing Kayla had the chance to be the best big sister ever. Seeing her see other babies is so amazing and hurts me so much cuz I know how AWESOME she'd be with her baby William. I never thought I'd feel sad or mad that other women had babies and I didn't, I think it hurts more because Kayla won't get that experience even though she is a a big sister. She is so amazing and I love how she hasn't forgotten her Daddy or baby brother. Not that I think she ever will but she's so young so I wasn't sure if she'd remember. But she loves talking about them and has even seen them too. I am glad they come to visit her. I haven't had that experience yet...I don't think I am ready and my boys know that. One day I know it'll be amazing.

2 months...

Wow! 2 months already since William was born. Man I can't believe it. And Thursday it'll be 9 months since Jason's accident. It all seems like yesterday some days and others it seems like forever ago. With every passing day it seems like I'm losing a part of them - kinda like I'm forgetting them. I bought myself an Ipod for Mother's day last week and have been listening to songs at work. On Friday I was getting something off the copier and our wedding song started playing - Amazed by Lonestar. I really thought I was going to breakdown at work. I was able to keep it together somehow, but I just sat at my desk and closed my eyes and tried to remember back to our special day. I remember very vividly him wondering when our song was going to be over - he never was big on dancing. And I'm sure he didn't care too much for me singing to him. :) Oh well. And then the song we played during the slideshow at his service played - Photographs & Memories by Jason Reeves (pretty awesome song). I used to listen to that song almost every day. And again I sat at my desk with my eyes closed trying to remember what his voice sounded like. Wow I didn't realize how much I've been keeping my emotions to myself as I'm crying writing this. I guess I really need to keep up with this a little bit more - it may help me. People are always saying how strong I am, but I feel like the biggest baby right now. Kinda like that "I want my mommy" feeling with the biggest "booboo" that she can't just kiss and make it all feel better. WOW - this is really hard for me. So I guess that means it's time for me to go. I'm going to go see if my boys are in the sky tonight and tell them how much I love them and miss them. I will update more tomorrow about my wonderful Mother's Day gift from my co-workers and the March of Dimes of walk that was on Saturday. Love to all!