Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Preparing for the holidays...

Wow, Thanksgiving is tomorrow. This will be the 1st year without both Jason & William. I have decided to just spend the day with Kayla instead of being around a bunch of family. Remembering how my birthday was I think it's probably a good idea. Who knows how many times I will break down tomorrow. Hopefully keeping busy will help a little. We will be going to see "A Christmas Carol" tomorrow. And then afterwards we'll start decorating for Christmas. The tree is already up, but I hope to actually put ornaments on it this year. Last year the tree was up all month without any ornaments - never really got in the mood to put them on there. I was able to find a matching stocking for William - I was so excited. Jason & I bought some 3 years ago that have chalkboards on them for our names and I didn't think they made them anymore or at least have them at Target still, but they did.

I really love Christmas time - especially getting to buy gifts for everyone I love. But this year is probably gonna be the hardest. I thought last year was pretty hard...1st year without Jason and found out right before that William had anencephaly. This year I won't have either here with me...I won't get to go shopping for the fun little toys for William to play with or see his face when he sees what Santa brought him. Or video tape the whole morning of him tearing open ALL of the gifts that Mommy & Daddy bought him which would probably be way too many. Or have his big sister, Kayla, help him open the gifts and have her buy her little brother Christmas gifts for the first time. Oh how much fun she would have. :(

I need to get through the rest of this year...can I do it? I wonder every day how I will do it. And hope that 2010 will be a better year. I can't believe I have survived the last 15 months - sometimes I don't even know how I have.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


Today is William's 8 month birthday. Wow! Really?!?! 8 months?!?! Time goes by so fast these days! I miss him so much EVERY DAY!

My 28th birthday was on Monday. I think I cried 5 times that day - just wasn't a great bday for me. This is the 1st year without both of my boys and my wonderful Memaw. My friends and family tried so hard to make it a great bday for me, but I just couldn't allow it to be. But my 3 wonderful angels knew it was a hard day for me and they gave me a pretty amazing present...

I was driving home to get Kayla so I could drop her off so I could go out to dinner with some friends. It was a pretty blah day with rain and all...and as I was getting closer to my turn for my house I noticed a rainbow (just a little one I thought) and it seemed to get brighter and brighter as I got closer. And when I turned onto my street I saw the biggest most beautiful rainbow I had ever seen before. I just started to cry and it started raining harder and I just know that was them crying because they were not here for me. And the rainbow started to fade away and was completely gone before I got to the stop sign on the other end. I thought about pulling out my phone to take a picture, but there is no way I could have gotten the whole thing - it was HUGE. I will remember that forever - that was a great bday gift from them.


This is pretty much what it looked like before I turned onto the street:

And this is like what I saw when I turned (without all the buildings):